... and the small things
Tonight M and I talked about the little-big things that make life go 'round. My job has me really stressed out... and unhappy. And it's not getting better any time soon. We talked about what it would mean, for us, if I found another job. And what I might want to do, while he's going to school and I'm the primary bread winner. I'm not really planning to leave, yet, but it's good to start formulating Plan B. I don't think my company has any plans to fix the things that are making my job "broken" in the near future and it's affecting my home life and relationship.
As you may have caught on, we've been talking about getting engaged. I told him that I'd rather wait until the work stress settles down, one way or another. I don't feel like it's right to make big life decisions when I come home too frazzled to decide what I want for dinner. Functionally, this probably doesn't change our personal time line at all. It wasn't like we were planning on getting engaged tomorrow. I do feel like I'm being more honest with him by talking about it. If we have our whole lives in front of us, then it doesn't matter if it's now or next month or next year.
I've waited until my late twenties to become the person I wanted to be before I made a life-long commitment. It's been important to me that I know the difference between wanting someone and needing them, because I believe it is a choice to fall in love and get married not a necessity. I want to make that choice as a rational adult, for the right reasons, and not because I'm scared of being alone or unable to make ends meet without help. I want to make that choice because he is a positive thing in my life, not the positive thing in my life.
M makes my life better, richer and happier. I want to be thinking clearly about our future together when he asks me. Right now, I look forward hoping (perhaps foolishly) that a day will dawn without this project looming over everything. So until I get my perspective back, the big plans are still in motion but their time lines are significantly more fluid.