March Madness

I have been neglecting this space for a long time now. Partly because the discussions I need to have, both within myself and with others, have grown increasingly nuanced and unfit for wanton public consumption, and partly because there is nothing fantastically interesting or important going on in my life right now and any attempt to drum up enough interest for a blog post seems either hyperbole or some form of cheerleading for myself.

That's not to say that all is quiet on the Western front. Work continues to consume more time and energy than I really want it to, but I allow it to do so because M is in school and focusing on work keeps me from focusing on other inequities that frustrate me. We quarrel, but usually about household division of labor, about the unstructured chaos that one seems more interested in righting than the other, but we are remarkably solid on the broader, bigger issues.

We are in a tight spot at work. I don't think things have ever been comfortable, not really, in the four-and-a-half years I've worked here, so being in a tight spot is nothing new. Things seem to run on just enough time, just enough people, just enough energy to get by. There is no slop in any of these budgets, so when things go horribly wrong everyone feels it. Things went horribly wrong in January, and we are still trying to manage those changes.

I work hard, and I am tired. While I wasn't paying much attention, I progressed from That Newbie to a Senior Field Reource. There is a rumor that my title might change, soon, to reflect that, but it is only rumor and innuendo at this point. The only thing changed on my business cards is my last name.

I work hard, so that my family will have opportunities. M can go to school without working, because I already have my degree, because I have a job that pays enough to carry the mortgage and our living expenses. We have a house, because I saved for that before we were ever together. We continue to have savings, nice things, vacations and long-term goals for financial stability because the two of us, and people in both of our families before us, have valued these things, saved for these things, prioritized them and passed these values on. We're talking about being able to start substantial college funds for our children when they are born so that these opportunities pass on to the next generation, and maybe a generation yet beyond that.

It is hard to remember sometimes, when I am away from my husband for up to a week at a time, when I haven't seen my friends or family in months, when I'm finally retiring to my hotel room after a 15-hour day to eat dinner while I write emails, that all of this is so that I can be comfortable enough, financially, throughought my life and so that I also have the chance to hand that forward to children we haven't even conceived yet. (And won't until after M graduates. Don't get any ideas.)

If my conservative Republican family taught me anything, it's that none of this is free. They passed on priorities of self-sufficiency and financial solvency and an unyielding work ethic (which does not, admittedly, extend to putting away my laundry or clearing off my desk in the office) as well as the expectation that it was possible to capitalize on opportunity through hard work to grow -- personally, professionally and financially.

All of this, together, feels very weighty right now. I am learning to manage it beyond "stick that bonus in savings and never withdraw it again." I am learning to look ten to thirty years down the road, instead of five. There are life goals beyond Buy a House, but they're far more nebulous and qualitative. We've recently added concepts like "the doubling time of money" to our conversations**, and started thinking of what sort of legacy we might want to leave behind if we find ourselves with more than we need at some point in the future.

How's that for some heavy thoughts? If you can't find me, I'm probably either working or ruminating about huge as-of-yet-unthinkable things like the footprint I might leave behind on the community/world when I'm done being here.

---

**And, being the bio geek that I am, I cannot help but imagine money now having a doubling time like cell culture. This makes the whole investments thing easier to grasp. I finally accepted that, given a sufficient yearly return on investment, money grows geometrically over a (very long) time span.