Homesick

Every once in awhile, usually around one o'clock in the morning, when I'm having trouble sleeping in some hotel room, it seems really surreal to me that I'm getting married this year. In those small hours, I keep thinking that if I were really getting married, I would be home at one o'clock in the morning, sleeping beside my fiance, and working on building a life and home together not out here on my own racking up travel points. There's no pattern to it. It's not like it happens only near important dates, or only after I've been gone a few days, or only when M's home and I'm away.

I probably spent fifteen minutes last night staring at my left hand in wonder and mild confusion before climbing back under the covers and trying yet again to fall asleep.

I don't think it's loneliness, though there's definitely an aspect of that out here. I think I'm feeling guilty that I'm not home to help my family right now, or be with M, or see my friends, or clean up our backyard... and that when I am home, I'm exhausted and want to quietly recoup from my work week.

Things don't feel right at work, either. Maybe I'm burning out, or maybe we have a too-green crop of people and it's starting to rub everyone the wrong way. Or I'm still burnt out and looking for justification for it in every company email... could be either. Not looking forward to the National Meeting anymore, though. Not looking forward to it at all.