Make Time Stand Still

It's mid-June, all of a sudden, and I don't really remember where the spring went, just that it's moved on into summer and our trees in the backyard are bearing what little fruit they can after a neglected and starved existence.

My brother's visiting from China, and seeing him Saturday put aside the fears of his having changed and our being irreparably separated by vastly different life experiences and directions. Guess what? He's still my little brother, and I'm still his sister, and we're still happy to see each other. It's been a little more than nine months since I've seen him in person, and about six since we video-chatted over Skype at Christmas.

M and I continue to have candid talks about our big plans and forecast what we'd like to aim to do well into the future. There's a lot to think about, talk about, and it's always puncuated by the stresses, concerns and worries of the moment. I remain hopeful, and happy, but life together is not without its surprises and stressful moments.

Dad & Pam took me to see Hershey Felder as Chopin last night for an early birthday present. I really enjoyed it. I also realize how much I miss having a piano at home. It will happen... someday... but like everything else I'm hoping to get done (someday), it seems to hinge on "when my project finishes."

I'm beginning to wonder if I want to go back out in the field as a "normal" engineer when my project finishes, or if I want to be done with this segment of my professional life. It's been a lot more stress than I wanted, and a lot of the reasons I went into the field in the first place just don't happen with this project.

I have this overwhelming feeling right now that it will never end. This project will drag on, through July and into August. A year will have passed since I had any real break from the travel, the stress, and the heightened expectations. All of the little things I'm putting off until this is over will come due, past due, and become urgent. Other people's urgency holds less and less interest to me right now. Everyone in the company, the world over, is watching this project? Yeah... well... give me the resources to do my job, set realistic expectations, and reward me for taking on more than I should have to and we'll talk. Until then, I'm going to do my best and try not to notice how many people have their noses pressed to the glass.

I have high hopes for Fall. Perhaps then I'll have more time to do the things I want & need to do. I hope for vacation time, and unpacking boxes, and settling into our home more completely. I'd like to find the guest room, finish it out before Christmas, finally go couch shopping (successfully), bake something fancy, read some of the titles in my long list of Books I Will Someday Have Time To Read.

So there is all of this stuff going on... and yet I go home to my own house, and sometimes M is even there with me, and things are better than they were last year. Even if we curl up on the couch and try very hard to imagine the rest of the world isn't happening right here and right now, the truth is that it's a good life when we have the time to live it. And that we'll figure out all the details and smaller projects in time.